Been Lazy

Yes, it's true - I've been lazy the last few weeks and haven't posted anything. The sad part about that is that things have changed, and I didn't bother to share it with anyone!

First, some fun stuff. Zach is rockin-n-rollin' with school...flying the hair of his head apparently, and still loving every minute of it.

We spent last Saturday at the Stock Show with our "football buddies." I'd forgotten how fun the stock show can be, but it is even better with good friends. And of course, there was the food!

I lost one of my cousins on Sunday to cancer. We've been expecting it, but it's such a reality check when "your generation" starts to pass away. She's the first cousin we've lost (other than newborns or infants), so this is particularly difficult. She was just 60 in December, and at my age, 60 gets younger every day!!!!

Much to my dismay, Jay has gone back to work. He quit work in mid-December, and I believe because he was getting more rest and taking better care of himself, his health "improved." When I say improved, I mean that his blood counts went "down." Therefore, the doctors moved him down on the list from a 23 to a 17. He was devastated, but at a 17, he doesn't feel that he will get a liver, so he went back to work this past Friday. Although I do understand his point of view, I believe that he's trying to make himself "sick" again so he'll go back up on the list. Sick or not, you still need a liver.

We just knew that he would get the call over the holidays - I think his doctors even believed he'd be transplanted over the holidays, but as is always the case, no matter how sick you are, you have to have a donated liver to get one! It's been, and continues to be, a long and struggling road.

He's probably better off at work, but emotionally, he's hit rock bottom at this point. I feel for him, and I think going back to work was a mistake. But as I told one of my oldest and dearest friends, these are the only decisions that Jay actually gets to make - all other decisions are made by medical professionals, so I have to let him have some control. Our struggle continues...

Several of you have asked me how I am...my days are very, very good or they're very, very bad. I struggle to stay ahead of the emotion to keep them in check...some days I'm successful, some days, I just suck at it! Thank God most of you understand and know that "this too shall pass." My closest friends bear the brunt of the worst of it - they must deal with me when I won't talk to anyone, but they've been doing it for years - they understand me (and thank God, don't try to change me!). I still spend a lot of time "mulling it over" before I can talk about it and it does bring me some peace to find my inner sanity on my own. It probably doesn't help my friends who are trying to help me, but as my friend Randy says, "I yam who's I yam!"

All I can say is, thank God for good friends that never let me down...no matter how bad I might be. It is never intentional and it is never "aimed" at anyone. It is what it is - my need to avoid severe depression. No matter what happens in life, I know that it will eventually get better. I must just stay ahead of the game. Please continue to keep us in your prayers and at this moment, please pray for my cousin's family. They are all struggling to find some solace in the fact that my cousin is no longer suffering the "bonds of cancer." It is a tough road.

Love to you all!
K~