Been Lazy

Yes, it's true - I've been lazy the last few weeks and haven't posted anything. The sad part about that is that things have changed, and I didn't bother to share it with anyone!

First, some fun stuff. Zach is rockin-n-rollin' with school...flying the hair of his head apparently, and still loving every minute of it.

We spent last Saturday at the Stock Show with our "football buddies." I'd forgotten how fun the stock show can be, but it is even better with good friends. And of course, there was the food!

I lost one of my cousins on Sunday to cancer. We've been expecting it, but it's such a reality check when "your generation" starts to pass away. She's the first cousin we've lost (other than newborns or infants), so this is particularly difficult. She was just 60 in December, and at my age, 60 gets younger every day!!!!

Much to my dismay, Jay has gone back to work. He quit work in mid-December, and I believe because he was getting more rest and taking better care of himself, his health "improved." When I say improved, I mean that his blood counts went "down." Therefore, the doctors moved him down on the list from a 23 to a 17. He was devastated, but at a 17, he doesn't feel that he will get a liver, so he went back to work this past Friday. Although I do understand his point of view, I believe that he's trying to make himself "sick" again so he'll go back up on the list. Sick or not, you still need a liver.

We just knew that he would get the call over the holidays - I think his doctors even believed he'd be transplanted over the holidays, but as is always the case, no matter how sick you are, you have to have a donated liver to get one! It's been, and continues to be, a long and struggling road.

He's probably better off at work, but emotionally, he's hit rock bottom at this point. I feel for him, and I think going back to work was a mistake. But as I told one of my oldest and dearest friends, these are the only decisions that Jay actually gets to make - all other decisions are made by medical professionals, so I have to let him have some control. Our struggle continues...

Several of you have asked me how I am...my days are very, very good or they're very, very bad. I struggle to stay ahead of the emotion to keep them in check...some days I'm successful, some days, I just suck at it! Thank God most of you understand and know that "this too shall pass." My closest friends bear the brunt of the worst of it - they must deal with me when I won't talk to anyone, but they've been doing it for years - they understand me (and thank God, don't try to change me!). I still spend a lot of time "mulling it over" before I can talk about it and it does bring me some peace to find my inner sanity on my own. It probably doesn't help my friends who are trying to help me, but as my friend Randy says, "I yam who's I yam!"

All I can say is, thank God for good friends that never let me down...no matter how bad I might be. It is never intentional and it is never "aimed" at anyone. It is what it is - my need to avoid severe depression. No matter what happens in life, I know that it will eventually get better. I must just stay ahead of the game. Please continue to keep us in your prayers and at this moment, please pray for my cousin's family. They are all struggling to find some solace in the fact that my cousin is no longer suffering the "bonds of cancer." It is a tough road.

Love to you all!
K~

Ho Hum....

You know how some days, you just know "it" isn't right, but you aren't sure why...you aren't even sure what "it" is. "It" just isn't right. THat was today and remains so even know, at 7:50 pm.

I'd love to contribute it to having 3 teeth filled today (and enjoying the hour and half of laughing gas) but honestly, seeing my dentist is NEVER an unplesant experience because he understands me so well..."Give her gas, all is well."

I'd love to contribute it to the fact that there was nothing interesting in the mail today except bills. I swear, that's all we get anymore. Geez what happened to the good old days of things that made you smile from the mailbox?

I'd like to contribute it to work and some days feel like eggshells there, but I'm not sure that's it either.

I'm already looking forward to next week...how sad is that? You want your life to pass by so you can avoid "it."

Oh well, I'll pray for a better day tomorrow and see what it brings.

Love to all and I pray that your day was better than mine.

Karen

Hmmm...

Jay went to the doctor yesterday (the hepatologist). It kind of freaks me out that just a month ago we were sitting on pins and needles waiting for a phone call, she tells him that they "did lots of transplants over the holidays" and yet, he wasn't one of them! It also freaks me out that he's gone "down" on the list ... that sounds weird (I'm truly not wishing for his health to fail). I know this is our roller coaster, but sometimes, it's just hard to stay on!

She told him that he things were progressing as she would expect. She said that everything looked "okay," whatever that means. He had to have a sonogram and she said that the organs were looking "okay." I love the terminology that these expensive doctors use..."okay." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN IN LAYMEN'S TERMS????????

Zach has gone back to school - I miss him terribly! It was great having him home for more than a month, but I think he was glad to go back too. He seems to really enjoy living on his own. Its hard to believe that he's in his sophomore year of college - how did THAT happen??? He's still going warp speed on everything and still loves flying as much as ever.

We've spent some incredible moments with our "football buddies" in the past couple of months. I don't know what I would have done without them...they are my sanity check (which should tell you something if you know them - hahahaha!). It was tough watching those Wylie Pirates lose it in the end, but what a great ride! An extra 7 weeks of high school football in one season - doesn't get any better than that! The blessing is that the wait for next football season to start is shorter!

Saw a couple of good movies over the holidays...Marley & Me, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. There are so many good ones out there and I think I want to see them all! Dianne and I will be very busy the next month or so!

I've missed checking up on my loved ones and great friends...I've been very intent on things around the house and preparing it "just in case." I hope this finds all of you happy and enjoying a beautiful new year!

Love to you all...
K

Happy New Year!!! What a great year this is going to be....I've decided!

Last night we saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and I'd recommend it to everyone! It's one of the best I've seen in a long time. I'm reading Marley and Me so I can see it in the theatre. Two of my friends said, "Yes, you must see it, but you need to read the book first or the embarrassment of all the snot you'll cry will be humiliation for us all!" Shows you what my friends know about me, doesn't it???? Oh, and if I were any of you, I wouldn't waste $9.50 on Yes Man. You should wait for either the $1.00 show or video! Typically, I love Jim Carrey but he let me down on this one!

We're still waiting for the call, but Jay is feeling pretty good. He's been resting, alot and fishing (maybe even more) so I think all the rest has done him some good. I'm still having major pain with my leg/ankle, so I'm going to see if I can find another doctor for a 2nd opinion. Typically, I trust a doctor's opinion and don't seek a second one, but it's been almost 3 months of pain and frankly, I'm sick of it!

Life is grand for the moment...Zach is back in Durant but will be home for the weekend, my Mom and brother are both healthy, Jay's brother is recovering nicely from his heart surgery and his other siblings are doing good. Jay is feeling better and I'm determined to make it a great year. We're having an evening of snacks and dominoes on Saturday with all our football buddies (we're having football withdrawal!), so it just doesn't get much better than this. A call would do it, but for now, I'm pretty content.

I wish for all of my much-loved family and friends, a blessed and prosperous 2009!

Love to you all...